Life is a Journey, new chapter !

Year of the Return
L'Amour au fond de Soi.



 

It's been a while since I wanted to do that, which means : Nothing ! Just seat, read and write my thoughts. I m not such an outgoing person I m more like stay-at-home-with-a-book person. But life changes you, makes you made choices to please others or just to fill into the boxes. It can be strange to hear such thing or to read such thing from me for people who usually see me from events laughing out loud, dancing, singing and making jokes. Yep I can be a real entertainer but even in all that joyfulness crazyness I m one my one and feel alone. I used to think that it was a bad thing that I have to change, to open up to others and the best way for me to do that was by taking care of others. Hair, nails, makeup, beauty was for me a way of taking care, dealing with my own issues through others. But that dont really help cause I became good at it and finally less aware of my one person.


Any way, any how it's time for a change ! I dont really think that going back to whom I used to be is The solution, isn't life about evolving ? I'm more about getting back on my good habits taking care of my self just to remember how it feels to LOVE ME. That will be a very good start cause I used to have me nails done, my hair done, a beautiful and soft skin too !! Yeah i know i was a bit younger too loool ! Deep down I know it's not really about how i looked rather than how i used to see myself, as a valuable person. Not by helping others but just by being me. I used to be juged for that without caring at all and I would love to be on the same page as the old me, claiming I m me fuck it ! But Getting married, becoming a mum made me change, change my perception, my point of view cause then I wanted to be so perfect so bloody perfect that I march by the book.


Proverbs 31 the virtous women was it : my main goal and it still does but in a different way and healthy way I would say. Cause like so many things in my life or I rather say for so many things in my life I try to walk by the Holy Book without having the good understanding I think. In deed, I came from a very religious family and sometimes God forbid I think I grew up like someone in a cult. I grew up always afraid of death, waiting for Jesus so hard that I couldn t think of any future. We were living the end of time, the idea was impressed in my head, I was 14 . Therefore I couldn t picture myself old, married with kids. I didn t allow myself dreaming of 30 years old me, mixed maybe with all we can here growing up, 27 was the age of the end. All was about being righteous which it is a good thing unless it becomes a fear, the fear of never being good enough. I guess it might be why I was good at school but also judgemental with my person and others. I always had strong opinions, conventional thinking and a clear way of seeing and saying things without waisting the time I didn t have ! While in the meantime the slightest mistake of mine would consumed me. I try to control everything and start struggling with eating disorder, with insomnia, with death thoughts itself. Being a good kid it easy : good behavior, clean room, good grades. But the time pass and you grow and your expectations as your prerogatives grow with you. They challenge you, they get bigger as your goals.
Do I still believe in God, yes I do. But I don't go to church anymore not the family church neither. I had searched God in my one ways but wasn't ready for it, ready to hear. I m not better or worse than anyone, I do think we all have to live and do our time in the wilderness. God has His way to talk to each of us and deal with any of his beloved particularly. I realised within time that I always found my answers into movies and books since ever. Younger, about 7, there was a small cabinet in the corridor of our appartment the kind where you tidy coats, shoes etc... There was my land, small but enough that my mum made me a little office in it. I could desepear hours in there reading, drawing while the rest of the family was living their lives. Teenager I'll spend days watching movies, french one especially, like Le Placard with Francois Pignon. I've watch that same movie for a week, again and again, following only on charactere at the time. Laughing at the same jokes as if it was the very first time. I guess this made me a lonely person and look a bit weird from the outside but also an early observer. It fed my needs to understand how and why people act the way they do.
In hight school and after Uni I follow that path studying different artist, painter, author, movies I got fascinated by how the Human being was such a subject of reflexion and interpretation. Why some choose to see two faces instead of a vase or see both ? do we really choose ? And what does it say of us ? I also realise how mental illness rule the inner cercle of thoses whom were suppose to be  genius. I read about it and research about how people create interaction, bond with each other, the main role of the mother. I write about it, study a bit how cognition works. Thoses answers or I should say thoses questions were to understand, lighten and unlighten my struggle as a young girl unable to fit, unable to find her place otherwise than study.

Through beauty working with others on the way they see themselves I ve learn a lot as well but I m still looking for something maybe God Himself. Wondering as I could look like a lack of faith or as of I lost mine. But even when I could doubt it s impossible to me not to believe there is a God. Even though life was not always peaceful and all about love I Know for sure that God watches me. I want for this year to try therapy, big word isn it? Entering that path and researching about it I heard ( podcast) such an interesting though from philosoph Kierkegaard about death and despair. And NO it was not full or about darkness and sorrow I actually find something hopefull with so much sens I can wait to read more about it. I m also reading a book about how to communicate without violence about how words are windows and can also be walls, that's actually the title ! I understand so many things, more clearly!! Associate to all that study I still have to study my Bible to balance all that reading and get the wisdom needed to not loose myself.

Life is really a journey, I start my quest years ago I was 20 but not yet ready to understand, not experimented, tough enough to have some distance neither. It was so much information my brain can contain and not really knowing myself I took it the wrong playing the intellectual and loosing the meaning and goal of the study. I finally run away. About 15 years later in a place I never though I would be I m thrill to open that chapter of my life again. As i like to say I feel like I've lived many lives, tried many me. Maybe am I a cameleon like Jarod ? lol maybe I m over sensitive, an think, analyse way to much ! Or maybe am I just a bit crazy and shaken . I dont really care about the label. I just feel like I m ready to face and open doors I choose conscious or not to close or keep closed so many years. I feel like I owe it to the 5 years old me, to the 14 me and to my daughter. I cryed TO often from the harsh time life kick me with or people I loved, I get hurt physically and psychologically, I failed, I rised, I ve been betrayed and I cheated my one self, I felt left behind and get frustrated, angry, sad. Depressed… so many times that depression became my winter, like the season bringing darkness and cold into me. 


Years ago London was my escape from it, a year which became one of the most efficient moment in my life. I realised that I was strong and capable of many, I became an adult there. It was me and God. I had to trust Him to go trough everything without familly and friends. I love every second of it even the darkest. It might be why I rather speak english than french in some situaions cause it always feels clearer. And it might be as an inner voice but also kind of a shield knowing that not everyone will be able to understand especially you Mum until the day I ll able to say it all loud. Any way I know that this work/time/journey wont be easy but I m sure that it s worthy, needed and hope that at the end will bring me Peace. 

PS: To those who whish me peace for the new year : Touché :)